The graduate with a Science degree asks: "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks: "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks: "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks: "Do you want fries with that?"

A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water

Show me a man with both feet on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't put on his pants

Sometimes I know that there is intelligent life on other planets because they haven't tried to contact us.

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back

I always win. Except when I lose, but then I just don't count it.

I am on a thirty day diet.
So far, I have lost 15 days

I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I'd be irresponsible too.

I don't think so, therefore I'm probably not

If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

If nobody knows the troubles you've seen, then you don't live in a small town.